How to Make Yourself Feel Gorgeous, Fabulous and Powerful When Men Do Stupid Crap

Men.  The light of my life.  And yet also equal parts the bane of my existence.  It seems to be a popular topic lately around here at Cougar Candy Store, as Linda so surely put it.  Is it something in the water?  Something midsummer-ish in their immature behavior?  Whatever it is…we all have to deal with them at some point.  Sure we know that when you’re in the dating stage, men do craaaazy things.  But yet even when  you find a good one, and you settle into a sweet existence together, even then..oh yes, even then, my friends…men can piss you off.

Such an infuriating event  starring my nearest-and-dearest happened to me just the other day.  I won’t go into details (a lady never gossips, right?  Whatever!).  I WILL say, however, that I was mad.  Hoo hoo, I was maaaaad!  Maybe you can recognize the symptoms: disbelief (“I’m sorry, what did you say?”) followed by squinting and general confusion (“So, wait you’re telling me what?!”) followed by a generalized form of impatient anger (“You, sir, SUCK!  You really, really suck!”)  which is then followed by a teary frustration (“I just can’t believe you said that.”) followed by that strange feminine desire to calm everyone down, including the offending parties, (“I understand, I understand, it just…makes me feel so sad.”) which is only the predecessor to impatience, spitting, and, finally, blood-curdling rage and scary amounts of loathing.  Ah, yes.  That was my weekend.

I’m not going to spend this blog suggesting ways to reconcile or share funny anecdotes about that ridiculous gender known as males.  No.  Instead, I am going to suggest another, more important topic: How to Make Yourself Feel Gorgeous, Fabulous and Powerful When Men Do Stupid Crap.

#1:  GET A DRINK. Clearly, a more Zen blogger would tell you to go breathe deeply and plant a tree or something to get over your Glenn Close-amounts of fury.  I’ll do that later.  Right now, you gotta feed the anger for a bit.  Let yourself be pissed.  Stew in it.  And suck down a good drink while you’re at it.  Feel free to gripe about it with a friend.  RECOMMENDED CHEAP DRINK: Gin & Tonic.  OR if you would like one of the non-alchoholic variety, go for a mocktail like the Faux 75, which only requires sugar, bitter lemon soda, and lemon juice.  Serve it in a champagne glass and you’ll never know the difference.

#2:  CALM DOWN: Now you can breathe.

#3:  GET PISSED AGAIN: If you’re still feeling residual rage, now would be the time to go break something.  Or, more productively, now would be the time to go throw out those years of old useless receipts or those twelve pairs of socks that really should have been trashed during the first Bush administration.  Nothing like fury to motivate a clean house!

#4:  CALM DOWN FOR REAL THIS TIME: Since you would actually really like to say these words to him, tell yourself: “Take a Hike!”  And don’t go for a lame hike.  Get sweaty!  Walk fast, and feel free to talk out your feelings, even if it makes you look like a crazy person.  (BTW, hikes should be free.  Suburban sprawl there may be, but every neighborhood has at least one nature preserve, trail, or at least some sidewalks.  The key here is just to sweat out all that bad stuff.)  Aren’t a speed-walker kind of gal?  Then please, please find a yoga class.  Contrary to popular belief, most yoga classes are extremely affordable for an hour and a half of exercise, stretching, and, yes, peace of mind.  Ask your friends for recommendations (because a bad yoga teacher is almost as bad as an infuriating man, right?) or, if not friends, go online.  Websites like Yelp use everyday customer’s reviews to categorize all kinds of local businesses.  $15 still too much?  Ask your yoga studio if they do any sort of newcomer discount, or will trade a class for some help at their front desk.  It never hurts to ask…TIP: When your yogini or whatever tells you to breathe, and then breathe deeper…DO IT.  Let go of the negativity that dude stirred up in you and sink into your good spots.

#5:  TREAT YOURSELF NICE: I am a huge, huge believer in being good to yourself.  You wouldn’t blow up your car just to make it go faster, would you?  No, that’s dumb.  So why take out your aggression on your own lovely self?  Here’s a couple easy, cheap ways to be really nice to yourself on a bad day such as this:

A.    MAKE A MAN-EATER DINNER: Go to the grocery store.  Buy a single meal’s worth of ingredients to make a fabulous dinner just for yourself.  Buy only ingredients he wouldn’t eat or ones you’ve always wanted to try.  (This is exactly how I discovered last week that I apparently love golden beets.  Who knew?!)  Make your dinner yourself, leisurely and with care.  Enjoy the experience with a glass of wine.  Or a cake.
B.    GARDEN WITH LOVE: Go outside and enjoy dusk alone.  Now, (and this sounds cliché and dorky, but it’s scientifically proven to help!) stop and smell the roses.  Or whatever the hell kind of flower you find.  Take the time to breathe in the scents of summer.  Sit in the grass, and enjoy the night cooling down on your skin.
C.    DO YOUR TO-DO’s: This one would seem to suck, but I gaurentee it will make you feel better.  Got something on your endless To-Do List that you never, ever do?  Do it.  Clean your closet impeccably.  Put together your scrapbook of your last family vacation.  (Looking at pictures is also scientifically proven to calm you down.)  Hang up those last couple of pictures of your adorable kids when they were  in elementary school that have been sitting in the corner for the past decade.  Get it done!  And now move on…

And, hopefully, that is what will happen.  You’ll get the heck over it.  You’ll have dealt with your anger and your pain, and now you can hopefully deal with whatever it was he did to piss you off in the first place.  Now you can tell him (maturely and succinctly) exactly what kind of jackass he can be sometimes.  And then hug him.  Because really, after all that, who really cares?

Now go have another drink.  You earned it.

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